Dear Guttermouth web page readers,

The time is 8:05 am on Tuesday August 7th and since it is a little early to start drinking beer, my morning substitute is coffee. Yes a good cup of Joe can be used as many handy home remedies. First, the one most of you know about is the laxative powers of this finely ground Columbia substance. If you suffer from IBS or Iratal Bowel Syndrome. A cup or two first thing can get you in and out of the can in a flash. Which is also quite a time saver even if you have not had the pleasure of the disorder listed above. For instance, you have a long drive ahead of you and you now the traffic will be horrendous. Once again, a cup will leave you feeling empty inside, but complete outside.

So you see friends, that is one of the to many to list remedies of mine and Americas favorite morning drink. On a more personal note... I use coffee instead of liquor early in the day to catch a completely different type of buzz. As I write you this morning I am totally jacked. Just a few minutes ago I was rolling out of bed feeling sluggish as usual. Then it happened. My roommate Jim (we call him scratchy) He will be selling shirts and CDs at the House of Blues Orange County on the 16th, The Ventura Theatre on the 18th, Victorville on the 23rd and Las Vegas House Of Blues on the 24th. All are in August and Jim or Scratchy will be working at all of these shows, so make sure you say hello and call him by his handle, he loves it.

So anyway, what was I talking about? Yes, yes I was feeling a bit sluggish, so by ingesting multiple cups of this dark brown elixir I feel invincible, ready to take on the day or the postman or the paperboy or the crazy family across the street from me. It's better than coke or any other illegal stimulant. So my advice to you would be to get out of the garbage quit doing speed and get on the brown stuff. Not heroin, but the real deal 100% fresh ground Columbian coffee. Just like Juan Valdez likes it.

But I have heard stories of people smuggling cocaine into the US via the Columbian Coffee Crop. I understand that the coffee odor is so strong that the US Customs Dogs can not detect the kilo after kilo of fresh coke that is entering into our great country, stuffed neatly into burlap sacks filled with the magic beans. So I think to myself, if I get so wired off of two cups of coffee is there a chance that the cocaine that was missed by the US Customs dogs... you know been ground up and sold over the counter a my local supermarket?

Am I ingesting cocaine for breakfast?

I think latter this week I will try an experiment. On Wednesday I will do my normal routine of Roll out of bed at 7:45am, brew a pot of coffee, start to make an egg sandwich complete with two eggs, bacon, tomato and avocado slices on sourdough bread toasted lightly. Then, this is what always happens; just half way through my first cup I take an accelerated walk to the bathroom to leave a deposit. Meanwhile my eggs are getting cold and my lightly toasted sourdough is now hard as a rock. Three out of five days a week this happens to me.

So hear is where the experiment comes in.

On Thursday I will get out of bed and do a big line of coke just to see if the same scenario goes down. If it does then I know that I am addicted to cocaine as well as coffee.

You will have my report sometime next week. Wish me luck.

Your Friend,
Mark