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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 10:07:22 AM PST |
How to be; Punk! (aka. The Dirt on the Dirty!)
by SpookyMonkey | Jun 24 '00 (Updated Jun 17 '01)
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The Bottom Line Take that, everyone. I don't give a damn what you think... .....does that make me punk?
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Back by popular reprimand..
Punk is a strange and wonderous thing.. blah blah.. I'm not even going to dignify this with an introduction this time because no one bothered to read it before. The reason you are all here is because you are so lacking in punkitude that you have resorted to the internet to do it. Wow, that MUST be punk.
So I will dignify your queries to being a punk with the same respect that it so rightfully deserves. (ie. None) So here is the first, the only, and the most-totally-accurate-cos-I-said-so guide to being a dirty peon of the streets, a Punk.
PUNK 150; THE LOOK
Don146;t buy brand names
Your punk wardrobe should consist entirely of leather, band shirts and torn clothing. If your clothing becomes torn to the point where it is unwearable, fix it with tape, staples and safety pins. Even better, combine your shirts to become wicked underground. Simply take two (or more) items of wrecked clothing to create one, super-cool fashion piece. You could be the first (and only) kid on your block with a Reel-Big Mighty-Suicidal-Ramones shirt.
Be dirty
There is no scientific proof to this statement, but by proclaiming yourself to be punk, all dirt in the world is immediately attracted to your body. By attempting to use soap or any form of cleanser to remove this dirt, you lose your punk aura. The longer you remain dirty, the stronger your punk aura becomes. A strong odor might also be noticed later on in your punk journey. Treasure this odor, as it is only available to the few select punks who are able to maintain their uncleanliness. All other punks will respect your odor and will want to touch you a lot. This is a good thing.
Metal is good.. (not music metal)
Pierce anything that sticks out on your body. Pierce anything that needs an extra hole. You can never have too much metal objects in your body. The purpose to this is for when the giant Punk mothership enters the earth146;s solar system and turns on its giant magnet. With more metal, you will be picked up and taken off to a world where soap is outlawed. If you are afraid of getting your body pierced (poser) then put metal spikes into your clothing. This is a highly desireable alternative, as you can hurt people in the mosh pit with spiked clothes without risking the danger of having a piercing ripped from your body.
Hair, beautiful hair
If you are a guy, put your hair into liberty spikes whenever possible. Get a mohawk and dye it any and every color you want. Reverse mohawks are also fashionable these days. Shave your head if a mohawk seems to be too troublesome.
If you are a girl, dye your hair all colors. Chip in with your punk girlfriends and buy discount hair dye so you don146;t have to spend excessive amounts of cash on retaining your punkness. Use kool aid if you want to be extra punk.
Punks are the natural enemies of metalheads. If you ever see a guy with hair longer than his shoulders, stomp his face into mush. The same goes for girls (unless they have cool piercings). Few understand this conflict between punks and metalheads, but it is believed to stem from some drug issue. Most punks favor maijuana over all other drugs, but Metalheads require acid to create the illusions they need to write lyrics about fighting dragons and evil wizards in the frozen Ultrawinter of Blashykh.
Your body is a giant poster board
Get lots of tattoos. Get them on your arms, legs, back, chest, and if you are man (or woman enough), face. Facial tattoos proclaim proudly that you are the most punk person of all time (this also means that you will never get a job, which is extremely punk). Tattoos can be expensive, so either sleep with a tattoo artist regularly or be in a band with someone who knows how. No punk should ever have to pay full price for a tattoo.
PUNK 150; THE ATTITUDE
Support your local punk brethren
Take pride in being punk. If you ever see a flier with the word 145;punk146; written on it, no matter what it is (concert, rally, informative speaker, drug bust), then go and support it. You must devote as much time to supporting fellow punks as humanly possible. For this reason, it is advisable that you do not get a job of any sort. Getting a job means you are trying to conform with society and you will soon be ostracised by anyone who finds out. Punk gatherings are also the best place to pick up punk chicks.
Mosh all the time
Mosh at every single concert you go to. Hurt as many people as possible. Mosh before the band even starts playing . If you hear someone whistling as they walk down the street, start kicking and punching at the air and stomping in circles. Only posers don146;t mosh. If you146;re REAL punk, try to hardcore mosh. This consists of trying to do some form of martial arts in the pit (jump kicks. Etc etc) or pretend that you are doing an aerobic workout synched to the music. This will intimidate fellow punks and non punks alike.
Skinheads are god
A subgenre of punk exists, known as Skinhead punks (also referred to as Nazi Punks). By being a SP, you must challenge all other punks and proclaim that you are more 145;skin146; than they are. 145;skin146; is believed to be similar to punk, but with a more hardheaded edge. Wear wife beater shirts and steel toed boots everywhere you go. You must also be a racist, braindead moron who likes to get drunk and beat on old ladies. You are the most intelligent form of punk in existence.
Sample Skinhead conversations:
SP 1: I146;m more skin than you are..
SP 2 : No way, I146;m twice as skin as you are!
SP 1: Shut up you #%$%#, my mom is more skin than your sorry skinhead butt.
SP 2: Oh yeah? My PHALLUS is more skin than you are!
(drunken brawl ensues)
PUNK 150; THE MUSIC
Fear the RGPB!
Find out where punk concerts are and go to every single one. Trick your non-punk friends into going by using the RGPB method. The RGPB method can be best explained through the following dialogue.
Punk: Hey, wanna go to a concert?
Non Punk: Who146;s playing?
P: The Spitvalves, Spinning Hamster Wheels and the Twisted Sphincters.
NP: Never heard of any of them.
P: Oh, they146;re all REALLY GOOD PUNK BANDS (this is where RPGB is derived from)
NP: Well, if you say they146;re really good133;. Ok.. I146;ll go.
It doesn146;t matter if the bands are really good or not. Most non-punks won146;t be able to make the distinction anyway. Plus, punks love to mosh and injure non punks that find their way into mosh pits. Also use the term REALLY GOOD PUNK SHOW (RGPS) if you cannot remember the names of the bands playing. Even if the show is just three guys farting on snare drums in someone146;s back yard, this still qualifies as a RGPS. Ask anyone.
Hate mainstream
Hate any punk band that sells out. Being a 145;sellout146; punk band basically means having any form of success whatsoever (music video, airplay, concert with more than 20 people in attendance) You think it is a heresy to have Bad Religion opening for Blink 182 on this year146;s tour. Beat up any teeny bopper that says otherwise.
If you don146;t know, you146;re not punk
Name drop punk bands as much as possible. If you haven146;t heard of a band someone else has mentioned, lie and say they were so much better before they sold out. Make up names of punk bands too. If anyone asks about them, say they are so good, they don146;t even have a cd out yet. If people question you further, say they broke up.
Play your punk heart out
Be in a band. Be in lots of bands. It doesn146;t matter if you cannot play an instrument, because punk is all about the attitude, man! Beat the snot out of your instrument (or sing as loudly and obnoxiously as possible) at every single show. Make up lyrics as you go along. If you ever find your mind going blank, just scream Oi! over and over again. The crowd will do the rest.
When naming your band, use the simple name formula:
The + Adjective + Noun = Punk Name
Note: Adjectives can be inserted or added as necessary.
Such fine punk names can include Stanky Fungal Toe Eaters, Floppy Donkey Dicks, Hot Chocolate Spoons.. you get the idea. If this formula proves to be too complex for you, just name your band after the first thing you see. (ie. The Golden McDonalds Arches, The Fat Drunken Stepfathers, The festering week-old Underwear).
SUMMARY
Be proud of your punk heritage and punk brethren. Try to accommodate those less punk than you (ie. Everyone) because few come out of the womb with liberty spikes and steel toes on. Punk is all about the music and the struggle for the common man. You might think that punk is a waste of time, but when you look back at your life in ten years, would you rather be moderately wealthy after having been at a mundane desk job for most of your boring life, or be tattooed from head to foot, in an underground punk band and be the envy of millions of girls with shaved heads? I know which one I would rather be133; |
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| Posted by: Jaryn |
Topics started: 149 |
Replies posted: 1799 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 10:57:44 AM PST |
| fuck you, it's dick's like you that i can't stand, it don't matter a fucking shit whose more punk or not, whose been punk longer or not, all that matters is that you are punk,(I do agree with the part about bad religion opening for blink being a heresy,) But i want to know what you mean by mainstream? is it mainstream punk, or punk bands that get really popular and end up on mtv, and finnaly, your rules are bullshit, being a punk means that the word punk doesn't dictate who you are, but you dictate what punk is for you, and your shit about not wearing anything namebrand, to me, it's more about doing what you want, not caring what the fuck others think, even your fellow punks, the way you describe it, you make punk seem as dogmatic and exclusive as any other social clique, oh and one more thing, although, i myself am not a skinhead, not all skinheads are racist, skinheads started out as a working class movement, and groups like the kkk, started to recruit some of them, skinheads tend to be more violent, and conservative than other punks, |
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| Posted by: Againsthegrain |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 62 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 11:04:54 AM PST |
are you fucking stupid?
if you read it, you would see it wasnt by me dumbass
The whole thing is a joke anyways...this shows me you have no sence of humor AND youre a fucking idiot
FUCK YOU RIMJOB |
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| Posted by: Jaryn |
Topics started: 149 |
Replies posted: 1799 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 11:21:50 AM PST |
| I want to be punk. |
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| Posted by: Codeine |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 61 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:08:30 PM PST |
| oh, i read it wrong, i didn't read the top, but that person is a fuck face and should die |
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| Posted by: Againsthegrain |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 62 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:18:32 PM PST |
| so does this pink thong im wearing make me punk? i thought all i had to do was dress in retarded clothes. |
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| Posted by: las pantimedias |
Topics started: 20 |
Replies posted: 552 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:37:57 PM PST |
| retarded clothes=cool. |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:40:36 PM PST |
| Jodie Sweetin = the suck |
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| Posted by: las pantimedias |
Topics started: 20 |
Replies posted: 552 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:41:59 PM PST |
| retarded clothes = emo kids |
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| Posted by: Jaryn |
Topics started: 149 |
Replies posted: 1799 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:44:43 PM PST |
| the suck?? that was lame, try a bit harder please. |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:45:59 PM PST |
| Against the grain, we already heard your shit 100 times by other cocksuckers like you who want to seem punk saying they don't care about punk, if you can't even understand a Jaryn Joke I think you're gonna kill yourself soon if you stay in this bored. At least I hope so. |
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| Posted by: Michael Jackson |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 149 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:48:29 PM PST |
| michael, i like that jackson 5. what should i do about that? |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:50:24 PM PST |
| Is being an anti-Semite cool? |
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| Posted by: Derrik Hitler |
Topics started: 1 |
Replies posted: 73 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:51:22 PM PST |
| hahahhaahhaahha..matt thats why i love you!!hahahhaa |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:52:00 PM PST |
| Stupid jews! |
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| Posted by: Derrik Hitler |
Topics started: 1 |
Replies posted: 73 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:52:39 PM PST |
| hahahahahaha |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:53:30 PM PST |
| If I had it my way, the whole damn religion would be ramshackled in a field with barb wire and elephants smashing in their skulls. |
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| Posted by: Derrik Hitler |
Topics started: 1 |
Replies posted: 73 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:54:18 PM PST |
| you already had your way once, now go back in the chat dammit! |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:55:15 PM PST |
| Fine, but only now will I chat. For soon, I must plot my revenge on the terror known as Judaism. |
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| Posted by: Derrik Hitler |
Topics started: 1 |
Replies posted: 73 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:55:24 PM PST |
| the Jackson 5 are cool, but they are black. |
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| Posted by: Michael Jackson |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 149 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:56:29 PM PST |
| you were once black yourself strange man. |
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| Posted by: Jodie Sweetin |
Topics started: 14 |
Replies posted: 1024 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 12:57:53 PM PST |
| Yeah, people told me so, actually I don't remember, it sucks to be black. |
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| Posted by: Michael Jackson |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 149 |
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| Thursday, August 15th 2002 @ 04:11:26 PM PST |
WHO WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO BE A SCREENNAME?!?
"Oh, man you're sooooo screenname man,,,sicccccc,,,,oh sicccc man,,,, screenname rocker man!!!!! sicccc!!!!" |
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| Posted by: My Screenname |
Topics started: 30 |
Replies posted: 226 |
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| Friday, August 16th 2002 @ 01:19:08 PM PST |
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a priest?
there is none! |
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| Posted by: Againsthegrain |
Topics started: 2 |
Replies posted: 62 |
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