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Wednesday, May 22nd 2002 @ 10:20:39 PM PST
(DJ is eating Michelle’s cake.) DJ: Mmm…your cake is good, Michelle. Michelle: Get your mouth outta my cake. It’s for Uncle Jesse’s “return to Paris” party. DJ: Michelle, bite me, you squirrelfisting anal belch… Michelle: Bite you? I’m tellin’ Dad… (Michelle walks into the living room. She spots Joey and her dad doing something unfamiliar.) Michelle: Daddy, why do you have your pee-pee in Uncle Jesse’s poo hole? That doesn't go there... Danny Tanner: HOLY SHIT! You're not supposed to be here! Go...make a cake or something, dammit! We've got important business to do here, now get outta here you dirty slut! Michelle: Dad, DJ told me to- Danny Tanner: Michelle, I don’t care if DJ told you to bite her!!! You don’t interrupt Joey and Daddy’s talks…especially when they’re in pure darkness, and involve sentilating moaning and lots of squishy noises. Michelle: (tear) I’m sorry, Daddy. Danny Tanner: Oh…(puts his dick away) I can’t stay mad at you (Long fuzzy moment….Hug…shitty piano music…blah blah) (Michelle leaves and Danny goes back to triangling Joey.) DJ: So, ittle bitty baby, did Dad get ever so mad at me? Michelle: No, but he did say he fucked your boyfriend Steve in his dirty little shithole… DJ: But Steve was a jock. He was totally into me…He loved my snatch…I gave it to him every night… (Stephanie enters, hand on hip, head COCKED to the side.) Stephanie: (Hand on hip, head COCKED) Are you two fighting again.......? Michelle: (with angel look and hands behind back) OH of course not! I was just telling DJ what a rancid cunt she had…and then she said stuff about letting Steve go diving in it… Stephanie: I did too…but what does Steve love more than puss-puss? DJ: GASP food…and I’m not rancid, Michelle, I douche regularly. Stephanie: Yeah, I’m the one who never douches, but Steve still loved my shit. It was all well-groomed…and I have a little sack that hangs out… DJ: Steph, that’s fucked up. Stephanie: About as fucked up as Dad being a sodomy freak… DJ: That’s true…We’ve got to cure Dad’s addiction to sodomy. And what a perfect place to do it…here in Gay Par-eee. Michelle: We should un-addict him before Uncle Jesse gets back. It would be a nice present. DJ: Yeah, Uncle Jesse would love to be around his family without Dad constantly trying to get into his leather pants. Stephanie: So, that’s our goal? To cure Dad’s addiction to sodomy? DJ: No, that’s you and Michelle’s goal. My goal is to get fucked by the top comedian in Paris. Stephanie: But, Deej, the top comedian in Paris is- (They all look around…except for DJ who has a maniacal shit-eating grin on her face.) DJ: Joey Gladstone… Michelle: You want Joey to put his hoo hoo dinger into your cha cha? DJ: That’s the plan, runt. Small fry. Tiny. Microbe. Dweeb. Scumbag. Shitfister. Michelle: Hey! Don’t call me a microbe! Stephanie: Yeah…only I can call her a microbe…(grabs a basketball from the shelf and dribbles it like a generic 80’s show would do) C’mon, aren’t you gonna steal the ball from me? Michelle: (trying to steal the ball) Awww, c’mon, Stephanie, why can’t you just let me have it? Stephanie: Cuz that would be too easy…Just steal the God damn thing… Michelle: No, you steal this…(Michelle pulls down her pants to reveal her tight underdeveloped pre-pubescent disfigured mantrout of a puss-puss.) (Danny walks in with sperm and jizz and cum and white swallow on his face.) Danny Tanner: Girls, girls, girls, what is this jibba jabba? (licks lips) Michelle, why are you shootin’ yer poonanner off at your sisters? Michelle: They took the ball, and they wouldn’t let me have it. Danny Tanner: What the hell is a basketball doing on the 42nd floor of a Paris hotel? Michelle: I don’t know, but I wanted it. Stephanie: But you didn’t have to provide us with a view of your tongo, did you? Michelle: (in tears) yes… Danny Tanner: (sympathetic) Awww, Michelle…(puts her on his lap…and gets a hard-on) Everytime someone does something to you, you can’t just pull out your vachingo and expect everything to get better… Michelle: (still crying) But that’s what Mom did. Stephanie: (in tears too) I miss mom. DJ: (in tears) I do too. Stephanie: (in tears also) Me too. Michelle: (in tears as well) Don’t forget about me. DJ: (in tears AGAIN!) I miss mom too. Danny Tanner: Well, I know. I miss Mom too. And, yes, every time someone made your mother angry, she would pull out her hairmutton, but look what happened. She ended up with three kids, and then she died. And not just any death…a long gruesome painful one…with diseases and cancer and diseases and long rigorous hours of having things shoved up your ass…And then finally one day she exploded in a gas station fire. So, Michelle, do you want to end up like your mother? Michelle: No…but I know she wanted the best for me… Danny Tanner: Of course she did… Michelle: Yeah… (Long silence, hugs, even a kiss) Michelle: Dad? Danny Tanner: Yes, hun? Michelle: Why are you addicted to sodomy? Danny Tanner: (GASP) Why, I never! (Smacks Michelle in the face with a broom) How could you sink so low, Michelle? I am not a sodomy addict… Michelle: (in more tears, Does this bitch ever stop crying?) Daddy, it’s not right! You need help! You can’t just go around putting your Will Smith into other’s tubes. That’s wrong! You need help! Stephanie: She’s right, dad! Danny Tanner: You stay outta this, Steph. Your vaginal belt may be well-groomed and undouched, but this is between me and the little runt! Now, Michelle, tell Daddy why you think he’s a sodomic freak! Michelle: Because you like to insert your boxcutter into guy’s rectums, Dad! Danny Tanner: No, I don’t! I just do that for ratings on my hit show “Wake Up San Francisco”! (thumbs up to the camera, smile, teeth glitter) DJ: But, Dad, we’re not in San Franciso, we’re in Paris… Danny Tanner: (Turns around with fury) Deej, you shriveled up monkey’s scrotum, STAY OUT OF THIS!! This has nothing to do with you! DJ: Yes, it has everything to do with me…Face it, Dad, you’re addicted to sodomy… Danny Tanner: I will not face it…I am not addicted. (Joey enters.) Joey: (in Popeye voice) What’s all this commotion? Akukukukuk… Danny Tanner: The girls are telling me I need help with my sodomy addiction, which I don’t have!!! Joey: Actually, Danny, you do…Your sodomy addiction is terrible…Today, you even stuck your Bullwinkle into my Popeye… Danny Tanner: And you didn’t like it? Joey: No, I loved it, but when you got to my prostate glands, I thought “Jesus, this guy really is addicted to sodomy…and Danny is, too…” Danny Tanner: So, you all are suggesting I get help? All in Unison: Yes. DJ: You’ll be a better man when you’re not trying to be a clamsniffing assfucker… Danny Tanner: All right, I know the hardest part is admitting you have an addiction, but, let’s face it, I do…but it’s no worse than Stephanie’s addiction to clit piercing…or Michelle’s sudden interest in ice sculpting, or DJ’s love of queefing. Stephanie: Dad, those aren’t addictions, those are hobbies. We only do those three times a day…You sodomize on an hourly basis… Danny Tanner: All right, I get it…I’m an asshole that sodomizes assholes…but how do I get better? (desperately gay face) DJ: Counseling…and lots of it. Michelle: Yeah, they’ll start you off on a strict sodomy-free regiment… Danny Tanner: Okay, I can do that. I can live without sodomy. This will not get me down. I’ll pass this with flying colors. DJ: Good attitude, dad… Danny Tanner: Thanks, hun… (Group hug, a huge array of cuteness, a giant “awwwwwwwwww” from the audience, more like awwwwwwdience…haha) Danny Tanner: So, Joey, wanna go play “Find My Penis in Your Ass”? Stephanie: No, dad, you can’t do that anymore… Joey: Awwww, and I wanted an asspounding… Danny Tanner: This is gonna be harder than I thought… (They all shrug and the camera fades to a shot of the hotel later…Apparently, it’s the next day. Jesse is due to arrive in three days.) DJ: (reading a French magazine) Aha! I have it! Stephanie: What? Crabs? DJ: Yes…and a solution to Dad’s addiction. Read this. (DJ hands Stephanie the magazine.) Stephanie: (Reading) Looking for a nice time with a busty babe? A beautifully feminine, but not too feminine, piece of ass for your pleasure and enjoyment. (looks up) Michelle: A manly French whore? Why, that’s perfect! Just manly enough to keep Dad satisfied, but fully equipped with a twat! DJ: Yep…it’s all good… Stephanie: Here’s the number to call. You do it, Deej, you’re the only one who knows the numbers. DJ: All right. (picks up phone and dials number, waits a few seconds, and then has a fake conversation with a fake phone, conveniently repeating everything the person on the opposite end said.) Ahhh, hello, is this the manly French whore? (waits)Great! (waits) We were wondering about our dad. Well, he’s kind of addicted to sodomy. (waits) Oh, you could? (waits) That’s great! (waits) Saturday? That’s perfect! (waits) All right, see you then. (hangs up phone) Stephanie: Don’t bullshit me, Deej…you weren’t talking to anyone… DJ: I know…I don’t know my numbers either. We’ll have to ask Joey. Michelle: You always want to ask Joey. Is it cuz you want his hot manslice? DJ: Yeah, his Woodchuck voice makes me hot! Stephanie: I guess it is pretty sexy. DJ: You stay away, bitch…he’s my noncreative multi-voiced bad acting comedian! Stephanie: Fine, Deej…go fuck him…I hope your babies are retarded. Michelle: I think Joey’s babies would be retarded with anyone as a mother. DJ: And I think Michelle smells like a freshly queefed cunt… Michelle: (Flips off DJ) I don’t smell like a freshly queefed cunt. I smell like flowers. Daddy told me so… DJ: Dad must be talking about the freshly queefed cuntflower. Michelle: Leave me alone, DJ! (stomps) Don’t make me show you my stubbled Nancy!! DJ: Go ahead…show off your bush, but you know you’ll just get another talk from Dad… Michelle: What if I like those talks? DJ: You only like them because they always end in hugs and ice cream… Michelle: No, I like them because I have an affinity for important lessons. DJ: You have an affinity for being a little shitfaced cumguzzler! Stephanie: Once again, that’s me…I’m the shitfaced cumguzzler…I like being shat upon my face, and I guzzle and gurgle cum…for fun. DJ: Steph, stay outta this, you little virgin puckering asshole! Stephanie: Don’t be a powerbitch, Deej, you’re nothing more than a pebble on my path to being the- DJ: Ball-draining Cum Queen? Stephanie: Exactly…so fuck off! (leaves the room) DJ: We’re getting nowhere…We’re gonna have to work together to cure Dad’s sodomy addiction… Michelle: Even though you’re a dildosmuggling cuntsmasher, DJ, I’m willing to work together… DJ: And I’m willing to work with you despite the fact you’re a skin-flute-extraordinaire… (They hug and have hardcore sex right on the table.) (The scene cuts to the next room.) Danny Tanner: (reading the paper) Those girls have something planned. I know them…and they’re planning a way for this addiction to go away. Joey: Yes, and (in cartoonish voice) I’m sure it will be a great plan. (changes voices) You know how those girls always come up with great plans that always work….no matter what. Danny Tanner: Wait, Joey, their plans never work…They always backfire and end up hurting someone very close…like Kimmy. Joey: Fuck Kimmy. Danny Tanner: Already did. Twice. Joey: Me too. Her pussy was like a cemetery. Danny Tanner: Yeah, there were lots of dead things in it. Joey: Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t bring her to Paris with us. Danny Tanner: Yeah, me too…but I wish I could have brought Betsy… Joey: Betsy? Danny Tanner: She’s this transvestite I met on the set of the show. She wanted my cock, and it was during a commercial, so I took her to my trailer and had my way with her… Joey: And what way was that? Danny Tanner: I took it up the ass… Joey: Yeah, I thought so. Danny Tanner: Then I delivered it up the ass… Joey: Yep, kinda like you did to me, huh? Danny Tanner: Very similar to that…yes… Joey: That’s sodomy, Danny. You’re addicted. You need help. Danny Tanner: Yeah, we’ve covered that all…and I want help. I don’t want my family to hate me just because I’m into weird kinky sex. Joey: They don’t hate you, Dan-dan, they just like you better when you’re not putting your Danny No-glover into guy’s rectum areas… Danny Tanner: I think I understand…but still, sodomy is a very important thing in my life…and I can’t give up all the years I put into perfecting it. Joey: If you love it so much, you should be able to control it…Look at me, I can control my cartoon voices. (switches randomly between cartoon voices) Danny Tanner: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sodomy addictions are similar to cartoon voices… Joey: In so many ways…(offers high five, Danny accepts) Danny Tanner: So I can’t fuck your shithole then? Joey: Despite the fact that I want you to tear the hell out of it, you can’t. Danny Tanner: Not even once… Joey: Not until you’re cured. Then you can do it in moderation… Danny Tanner: Oh, boy, I can’t wait… Joey: I can’t either. Danny Tanner: I especially love when you do those high pitched cartoon yelps when I take it to your heinie… Joey: What cartoon yelps? (The camera cuts back to Stephanie sitting on a bed with her Mr. Bear stuffed animal.) Stephanie: Mr. Bear, am I really a slut like DJ believes me to be? (pauses and expects answer from Mr. Bear) Who cares if I let any guy fuck me? I just love the feeling. I even like it when you put your furry arm into my muzzy. (Stephanie looks around and places Mr. Bear’s arm into her pants.) Give it to me, you trench-coated bear stud! DJ: (walks by room) Steph, who are you talking to? Stephanie: (throws Mr. Bear aside and buttons up pants) Oh, no one…just thinking aloud… DJ: Do you say “Give it to me, you trench-coated bear stud!” when you’re thinking aloud? Stephanie: Ummm….yes, all the time. DJ: Okay…(walks off) Stephanie: She’d never understand…(picks up Mr. Bear and picks up where she left off) Oh, that’s the g-spot, Mr. Bear, you’re a pro! DJ: (Comes back into room in the middle of Stephanie’s commotion) Steph, I forgot to say – GASP – What the fuck?! You are a slut! Stephanie: (in shock, throws Mr. Bear across the room, his arm drenched in liquid) Deej! I wasn’t doing anything… DJ: You were letting that bear manually please you! I saw it! Wait until I tell your friend Gia about this. Stephanie: Dammit, Deej, nothing was happening! And Gia’s not my friend…our friendship was broken that time we were in the bathroom and she accepted a cigarette and I wouldn’t smoke one because I was a pussy. DJ: So you’re both a pussy and a bear slut!! What’s next?! Me finding you having sex with some random Paris yokel? Stephanie: No, that was yesterday’s adventure. Today’s involves eels and lots of sweaty gay supermodels. DJ: Oh, you really are a slut…I can’t cure Dad’s addiction if I have to babysit a whore like you! I guess you’re just not into helping Dad. Stephanie: No, I want to help him! I want to help him more than you! DJ: Oh, is that a challenge?! Stephanie: I guess it is! DJ: Fine! If you cure Dad’s addiction before I do, I’ll stop calling you a slut, and I’ll do the dishes for a week! Stephanie: Fine! DJ: But if I win, you’ve got to do the dishes, and you’ve got to put in a good word about me with Joey! Stephanie: Fine, Deej, but you’re going down!! DJ: Kinda like Mr. Bear going down on you? Stephanie: He never did that! He only fingered- (GASP, covers mouth) DJ: So, you were fucking around with that bear?! I’m calling Gia! (DJ runs out fast…Stephanie follows…in pissed off mode…) (The camera goes to the kitchen where Joey is fixing a stupid sandwich to feed his stupid face.) Michelle: (entering kitchen) Hello, Joey. Joey: Oh, hey, Michelle. I was just fixing a snack. Want anything? Michelle: No thanks, Joey…I just ate… Joey: Suit yourself. Michelle: Say, Joey, how do you feel about us getting Dad a manly whore to snap him out of his sodomy kick? Joey: Well, I don't know... I think the idea's got potential... but your dad loves that cock. He loves it. Michelle: Michelle: You're right, Joey... maybe if she had a strap on and got him up the ass? Joey: Now you’re talking…I’ll take you to ‘Dildos R Us’ in the morning and you can pick out the one you think your dad will like. Michelle: I’ll get him a studded one…or maybe a vibrating one? Joey: Sounds great! We’ll go now! Run and get my cloak from the cloakery! Michelle: Right away (Starts to run, then stops) Ummm…Joey? Joey: Yes, Michelle? Michelle: (single tear) I miss Mom. Joey: Awwww, Michelle, I miss your mom too. She was a good woman. Hug? (Michelle and Joey hug, and there’s more piano music. The dog enters the room, walks on his hind legs, and joins the hug.) DJ: (walking through house looking for her Dad) Dad? Dad? (DJ opens one of the hotel doors and sees something that shocks her: Kimmy and Steve fucking on a couch.) DJ: Kimmy??! Kimmy: Deej??! DJ: What the fuck?! Kimmy: Deej, it’s not what it looks like! (pulls her dick out of Steve’s ass) DJ: What do you mean? It’s exactly what it looks like! My best friend, whom I thought had a vagina, actually has a dick…and she’s fucking my boyfriend, whom I had no idea of his homosexual tendencies. The worst part is…a lack of protection! Steve: (voice cracks) Deej…I’m a regular Liberace. DJ: Kimmy, can I talk to you in the other room? Kimmy: Awww, Deej, can I finish this pump? DJ: Now, Kimmy! This is serious shit!! Kimmy: Fine, Deej, but if I miss out on Steve’s ball-draining prostate anal cum, I’m gonna beat the shit out of you! (DJ and Kimmy leave the room, and the camera stays on Steve. Danny Tanner emerges from behind the couch naked with his penis sticking out…erected and everything.) Danny Tanner: Whew, that was close…If DJ saw me in here, she’d go apeshit. She’s trying to cure my addiction to sodomy. She’s crazy, I don’t have an addiction. (starts fucking Steve’s cornhole) Steve: You’re right, Mr. T, there’s nothing wrong with that…it actually feels quite fair…Oh, here comes my ball-draining prostate anal cum! (The camera goes out into the hallway to Kimmy and DJ’s conversation.) DJ: Kimmy, what the fuck? Kimmy: DJ, it was just foreplay. DJ: And what does foreplay lead to? Kimmy: Hardcore anal sex… DJ: Right, Kimmy, so use a condom. Kimmy: Okay, I’ll use a condom when I let Steve ride my cock. DJ: And that brings me to some other point. That was so wrong on so many levels… Kimmy: What? DJ: Okay, let’s review. (Gets out large pointer and pulls chalkboard over.) My best friend, who is a girl, just fucked my gay boyfriend with her cock in a Paris hotel room!! Kimmy: And…? DJ: You had no protection!! Jesus, Kimmy, do you want to die young or something? Kimmy: At least I’d get away from the school meatloaf…(audience laughs) DJ: And don’t forget about the green beans…(audience laughs again) But AIDS is a serious disease, Kimmy, and I don’t want to see my friend die at a young age… Kimmy: Aww, you’re the best friend ever…Only a true friend would not want a friend to die… (They hug…and French kiss) DJ: And, also, Kimmy, since you betrayed me, I can no longer trust you. (pulls out a gun and shoots Kimmy through her skull) (DJ walks back down the halls looking for her Dad. Little does she know is that he is blowing his load onto Steve’s back.) (The camera then joins Stephanie, who is on the Internet looking up recipes to rid people of sodomy addictions.) Stephanie: (Reading) Gender-bending new ways to cure sodomy addictions. Are you a guy who just can’t stop wanting to ram your cock into some guy? Are you a guy that loves his penis so much that he flaunts it without recognition? Are you the daughter of some guy that continuously has anal sex with random male family members and sometimes with people that just hang around with your family such as old friends of your father that never made something of themselves, so they mooch off of your father now until one day when they hope to land that big comic role at the Chucklehut? (stops reading) Ahh, that’s me… (clicks mouse, and then reads to herself) Ah! That’s brilliant! DJ will have to do the dishes for a week for sure now! What do you think, Mr. Bear? (lifts Mr. Bear out from under the computer desk covered in female jiz) Uh huh? Yeah? It is?! Great! This is our plan then. I’m going to e-mail this website and see how we go about doing this…and you, Mr. Bear, are going to continue eating my gums…(pushes him back under the table) (The camera cuts away to Joey and Michelle, who are riding a bike to ‘Dildos R Us.’) Michelle: We’ve been riding for hours, Joey…Where the hell is this place? Joey: It’s up here…right up here… Michelle: Good, cuz I can’t wait any longer…My arse is going numb on this banana seat bike… Joey: Okay, here it is…(Joey pulls the bike over into a dark alley.) Michelle: Hey, this isn’t ‘Dildos R Us’! This is a dark alley… Joey: Yeah, I know, Michelle…and this is also the place where you will be raped and killed… Michelle: Joey?! How could you?! Joey: Oh, I’m not going to rape you…Fuck no…I’m saving myself for Yosemite Sam…but I did however sell your body to someone. Michelle, meet your rapists and murderers. (From betwixt two unearthly shadows on a dark wall emerges five people…As they step closer to the light, the audience realizes that it is the Beach Boys, and they clap wildly and fling young children down to the set.) Beach Boy 1: So, Joey, these are the goods? Joey: Yep, this is her…prime 7-year-old meat! Beach Boy 2: You did well…(hands him his payment) Now, get the fuck out of here. Joey: (counting his payment) Hey! These are only five Foghorn Leghorn cards! You said I’d get the whole Foghorn Leghorn set! Where’s the rest of my cut?! (The Beach Boys crowd around him, and Joey cowers into the corner.) Beach Boy 1: Mr. Gladstone, apparently you didn’t hear us when we said ‘get the fuck out of here.’ Joey: (gulp) Okay…(Joey scampers away throwing his Foghorn Leghorn cards all over the alley.) Michelle: Beach Boys, no! Don’t rape and kill me! What about all those times we sang on stage together…when Uncle Jesse covered for you when you had laryngitis? (She points at Beach Boy 2.) Beach Boy 2: Your Uncle Jesse’s a fuck-up…and he’ll always be a fuck-up. And even when we sung on stage with you, Michelle, I couldn’t do anything because the movements of your childlike ass mesmerized me. It was whimsical, almost melodic. (sniffs the air) I loved it, and now I have that same child-like ass here in my presence to do what I want with it. Anything I want…anything at all…(evil grin) Michelle: But I’m only seven years old… Beach Boy 1: We’ve had younger. Michelle: All the times you were guests in our house, I thought you were just friends with the family, but you never were. Beach Boy 3: No, Michelle, we never were. Our only reason for coming to your house was a hopeful shot at all five of us getting in your pants. (pauses) Those…little…green…polka-dot…pants…(also sniffs the air) Michelle: (tears) Please don’t rape and kill me. (even more tears) Beach Boy 1: Awwwww, Michelle… (gives her a hug) Everything’s going to be okay. Michelle: You’re not going to (dries up face) rape me? Beach Boy 1: Of course we’re going to rape you…but we’ll kill you first so you don’t feel a God damn thing. Michelle: But being raped feels better than being killed…so if you killed me, I’d be missing the best part. Beach Boy 4: (talking to Beach Boy 1) She has a point there… Beach Boy 1: Well, Michelle, you have a choice then…do you want to get fucked, then die…or die, then get fucked? Michelle: (breathes deep) Okay, I’ll be a good sport…I wanna get fucked first, then killed… Beach Boy 1: That’s a good girl. (He hops ontop of Michelle and goes to work on her.) Michelle: Hey! This does hurt after all….Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! (The camera zooms out of the alley back to Joey, who has binoculars in the nearby bushes…The Beach Boys each take turns fucking Michelle, and they’re hovering over her gangbang-style) Joey: That’s fucking hot shit…(looks around, pulls penis out and starts jacking it.) (The camera goes back to DJ, who is at a local Paris library to read up on sodomy addictions.) DJ: Excuse me, ma’am, but do you have any books on sodomy addictions? Librarian: Sodomy addictions? DJ: Y’know, it’s an addiction to anal sex…especially with guys… Librarian: Oh, I have one of those…Let me tell you a story. Back in ’53, my husband and I ran out of sex positions to try. I suggested him fucking me in the asshole. He hated the idea ‘cause he didn’t want ass butter on his schlong. Well, I asked him if I could strap on a dildo and go to town on his behind. Of course at first he said no, but once I went through all the advantages for having a loose asshole, he soon agreed. Now I’m addicted to fucking guys in the ass with a fake dong. DJ: What are the advantages of a loose asshole? Librarian: Oh, there are none. In fact, there’s only disadvantages, but I lied to him. I told him that he could get that big promotion at work, and I told him he would win a trip to Hawaii. Little did he know that it was only decreasing control in his bowels. He would shit all over the place, on the rug, in the bed, and in my mouth, but I kinda liked that. DJ: He shat all over the place??! That’s horrible! Well, how is he now? Librarian: Oh, that bastard’s a dead fucker. After he took a shit in my new shoes I got from Payless, I slit his fucking throat and threw him in the Seine River. DJ: So, do you view this addiction as healthy? Librarian: Healthy? I’d see it more as…um…unhealthy. DJ: You’re an experienced addiction survivor. You can talk to my dad! It’ll be just like that show “Flipped” except you won’t be a strung out bitch who only fucks guys for beer. Librarian: Yeah, I suppose so. I only fuck guys for diseases. DJ: Huh?! Librarian: Gotta catch ‘em all! (The scene cuts back to the hotel where Danny and Joey are watching Paris television.) Danny Tanner: I just don’t get this French TV… Joey: Yeah, me either…Where’s the remote? Danny Tanner: Speaking of “Where’s the remote,” Where’s Michelle? Joey: Ummmm…she said she wanted to go out exploring the town… Danny Tanner: How long has she been gone? Joey: I don’t know…(cough) two days (cough) Danny Tanner: Two days?! Joey?! Two days?! Where could she be?! Joey: I told you, Danny, she’s out exploring the town! Danny Tanner: It doesn’t take two days to explore Paris. We covered it all in an hour on our last Paris special. Joey: I don’t know, Danny. Paris is a pretty big town. Maybe she got raped? Danny Tanner: Raped?!? Could that really happen?! Joey: (Nervous) Ummmm…of course not, Danny, don’t be crazy. She’s probably just out fucking some French sailor… Danny Tanner: I sure hope you’re right, Joey, I sure hope you’re right… Joey: I’m always right, I’m always right… (Stephanie enters the room with a package.) Stephanie: Dad, here’s the solution to your problem. (puts down package) In this box is the world’s first feign-sodomy device… Danny Tanner: A feign-sodomy device? What’s that? Stephanie: Here, let me show you. (opens box and pulls out device) Danny Tanner: Hey, that looks like an asshole…a fake plastic asshole… Stephanie: Of course it is! You place the fake asshole over a woman’s pussy, and it makes you want to have sex with that pussy! Danny Tanner: (pauses for a second) Steph! That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard! A fake asshole to place over pussies! I’d be able to tell the difference! Assholes are kinda rough and they have a solid texture. Pussies are more warm and kinda soft. It’s the stupidest thing ever, and you’re a stupid little cunt for even suggesting it. Stephanie: (pauses, happy face turns to crying face) WAAAAHHHHHH! (runs to her room) Joey: Danny, weren’t you kinda hard on her…? Danny Tanner: No, hard on her would have been smacking her bitch ass around or sending her to her room… Joey: I guess you’re right, but you know she’s emotionally scarred for life now, right? Danny Tanner: And that’ll teach her to ever think up shit ideas like that one again…what’s your point, Joey? Joey: Oh, nothing, I was just saying my “maybe you were too hard on her” speech. I do that every time she runs away screaming… Danny Tanner: Oh, yeah…(looks at newspaper) Hey, digital cameras on sale… (The camera cuts back to DJ who is on her way back with the librarian.) DJ: This way…it’s over here behind these two trees. Librarian: I shouldn’t just leave my post like this. I should be back at the library sucking ass or loaning out shitty books. DJ: But you could be helping someone out. How many opportunities do you get to really help someone out working behind the library counter? I can answer that! None! Librarian: I guess you’re right…I am just a gutless wench who finds pleasure in running from her real obligations in life. I guess I’ll never learn. Well, the time is now…I can stand up and take responsibility for what I should! I will help others! DJ: Stupid bitch…I didn’t want you to learn a life-redeeming lesson! I just wanted you to tell my dad to stop assraping guys! Librarian: Oh…I guess I’ll do that… DJ: Then let’s go…(they walk off camera, but DJ pauses) Hmm, I wonder how Michelle is doing with that manly whore. (The camera goes back to the dark alley where Michelle is slain. She is barely alive…and the Beach Boys have left. Her neck is slit. Her clothes are ripped. Her pussy is torn. Her asshole, torn. Her mouth, torn. Her hands, torn. Her ears, torn. Her twin body double offstage, torn. She is still breathing however…) Michelle: Must…get…dildo…to…Dad…(tries to get up and falls) must…get…dildo…to…Dad… (She props up on all fours, and attempts to get to the nearest road. She tries to lift her fucked-up torn little hand to hitchhike…but no one is coming, so she must wait.) (The camera goes to Stephanie’s room, where she’s crying like a little bitch.) Stephanie: All of my ideas are shit! Now DJ will win the contest, and I will feel like a total dumb bitch because I’ll be doing the dishes while she’s out fucking Joey. (looks at Mr. Bear) What do you think, Mr. Bear? (GASP) You think I’m a whiny little whore with a huge vaginal cavern?! (she punches the shit out of Mr. Bear) I know what I must do. I must run away! No one will ever yell at me again if I run away! (Stephanie packs one of those old-tymey hobo running away packs on a stick, and she climbs out the window.) Stephanie: I bet they won’t miss me! I bet they won’t even give a shit I’m gone… (The camera quickly cuts back to Danny Tanner.) Danny Tanner: I wonder if her bitch ass has run away yet… Joey: (appalled) Danny, she doesn’t have a bitch ass. Her ass is a little plum pecan little thing… Danny Tanner: Yeah, but I hope she ran away already… Joey: Yeah, good riddance… Danny Tanner: And where the fuck is Michelle??! Joey: Ummmm…I’m sure she’s probably just out playing with Teddy. Danny Tanner: But, Joey, we’re in Paris, and Teddy is all the way back in San- Joey: (in an attempt to interrupt and distract him) Hey, Danny, look…(lifts up his ass, pulls down his pants, and spreads his asscheeks) Look! It’s a tunnel! Maybe you should spelunk it! Danny Tanner: Fuck Michelle! I want some pudding! (puts his dick into Joey and fucks him…again…) (Then DJ and the librarian walk into the living room.) DJ: Dad?! What the fuck?! I thought you were giving it up! Joey: No, Deej, that was me. I was giving it up. He was putting it in. Librarian: You’re right, little shithead girl. It’s worse than I thought. Did you see how much he enjoyed jamming his rod into that comedian? DJ: I think you should talk to him. Joey: Yes, it’s for Danny’s own good. DJ: Yes, it is. Joey, we should go into the other room and give them alone time. We could even fuck, er, I mean, make sandwiches. Joey: All right. (turns to Danny) listen to this woman. She is trying to help you. (DJ and Joey leave and go into kitchen.) Joey: Great idea, Deej. That bitch is sure to cure your dad’s- DJ: Fuck me, Joey! Fuck me now! (pushes everything off of the table and spreads her legs) Joey: Deej, I can’t just fuck you. That would screw everything up with the family. DJ: But you fuck my dad. Joey: Yeah, and your dad’s a well-respected man. You’re nothing more than a stupid gutter slut who would spread her legs for any comedian in Paris. DJ: Spread my legs for any comedian in Paris? Yes. Gutter slut? Um…yes. But I really want your dinger inside me. Come feel my yummy warm goodness. Joey: Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve felt enough warm goodness in your hugs. That’s all I need…your hugs. We are the best of friends, Deej, and fucking you would ruin that. DJ: Actually, I fucking hate your friendship, but I still want your cock, so put it in me. Joey: Well, now that you mention it, I have lots of friends, and losing one won’t make a difference…(hops on DJ and starts pounding her ass, a wad of money falls out of his pocket) DJ: (looks at money while getting fucked) Joey, where did you get that money? Joey: Um…nowhere. (continues to engage in sexual congress with DJ) DJ: (looks at Joey’s face, and continues to get fucked) (GASP) I can tell from your face. Joey?! You sold Michelle to the Beach Boys for their sexual pleasure??! Joey: (continues to fuck) The money was good, and Michelle got on my nerves. DJ: Joey, I can’t believe you did that! (as she gets fucked) I’ve always hated that little bitch and now someone’s finally snuffed her out! That makes me want your cock even more! Deeper! Deeper! Joey: (starts sweating lots) (in Scotty voice) Okay, okay, I’m digging deeper, Captain. (The camera fades out of the kitchen as Joey and DJ are hardcore fucking.)
Posted by: Mark Summers	Topics started: 135	Replies posted: 4101
Wednesday, May 22nd 2002 @ 10:32:25 PM PST
This is really a cry for help.
Posted by: Pogue Mahone	Topics started: 7	Replies posted: 184
Wednesday, May 22nd 2002 @ 10:33:19 PM PST
C'mon, buddy...Read it...It might put your urbane humor to shame...
Posted by: Mark Summers	Topics started: 135	Replies posted: 4101
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 12:30:43 AM PST
i'm a big fan of your work
Posted by: Jaryn	Topics started: 185	Replies posted: 2678
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 12:34:18 AM PST
pogue you have no right to say anything to that effect towards mark, hes been doing this shit for along time.
Posted by: jimmy james	Topics started: 167	Replies posted: 3524
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 01:27:56 AM PST
It's funny but not as funny as the episode where they learn that it's wrong to make fun of people.I learned a lot fromn that one episode, but this one's got a good message too
Posted by: Hoerr	Topics started: 10	Replies posted: 39
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 05:12:43 AM PST
u r juz like real screenplay writers...always showin old stuff again instead of writin new stuff! work ya ass harda on a new episode
Posted by: da pheesh	Topics started: 144	Replies posted: 5106
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 10:45:40 AM PST
i have writer's block, guy
Posted by: Mark Summers	Topics started: 135	Replies posted: 4101
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 11:41:43 AM PST
2 bad man...u should go out and take inspirations from stuff u c...it worx
Posted by: da pheesh	Topics started: 144	Replies posted: 5106
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 01:42:04 PM PST
Come take a look at my house. I've got 3 gay dads and a lot of sisters they wouldn't touch. It's kinda like full house. and we joke all the time. And there are always peoplelaughing at the back
Posted by: Hoerr	Topics started: 10	Replies posted: 39
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 02:03:38 PM PST
sounds nice. now tell me...how cumz this bored is so phuckin boring 2nite?
Posted by: da pheesh	Topics started: 144	Replies posted: 5106
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 08:02:11 PM PST
Jimmy- Carrot Top's been doing those tv ads "for a long time." Is he similarly immune? I'd wonder if Mr. Summers takes requests. There are some really horrible sitcoms out there that this sort of treatment could only ~improve.~
Posted by: Pogue Mahone	Topics started: 7	Replies posted: 184
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 08:21:53 PM PST
is that the one where we call the boy a duck? not as good as this one...Mark you did a wonderful job...it made me laugh and made me cry..i am pleased with the presentation and i am willing to take full credit as always...i mean everybody loves cute lil steph and mr. bear right? i got pawed by bear..i'm famous.
Posted by: Jodie Sweetin	Topics started: 15	Replies posted: 1128
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 08:27:00 PM PST
thank you, Leash-leash... Getting pawed sure is fun... WOOT WOOT! Marky's in the house... *series of homosexual hand gestures...*
Posted by: Mark Summers	Topics started: 135	Replies posted: 4101
Thursday, May 30th 2002 @ 08:31:28 PM PST
Is that anything like the Tubal Cain?
Posted by: Pogue Mahone	Topics started: 7	Replies posted: 184
Tuesday, July 9th 2002 @ 05:04:45 PM PST
I want some mention of Angela Landsbury as a guest star gnoshing on Joey's semi-turgid wonzer
Posted by: Lazer	Topics started: 21	Replies posted: 443
Monday, July 29th 2002 @ 08:00:42 PM PST
sum bitch where are you?
Posted by: Bruce James	Topics started: 2	Replies posted: 114
Saturday, August 3rd 2002 @ 03:26:23 PM PST
i will rape you all with my robocock implant courtesy of the price is be right in LaFourge Valley, Quebec my name is oli Related URL: http://gaybitch
Posted by: 1as pantimedias	Topics started: 2	Replies posted: 47
Saturday, August 3rd 2002 @ 04:42:16 PM PST
you know my attention span is to ....... ahahahahah look at that dogs puffy tail
Posted by: YOU SUCK	Topics started: 3	Replies posted: 26
Saturday, August 3rd 2002 @ 11:35:18 PM PST
who wrote this?
Posted by: Some Random Little Boy	Topics started: 1	Replies posted: 39
Saturday, August 3rd 2002 @ 11:56:09 PM PST
hahaha...you
Posted by: Gaylord Faukker	Topics started: 4	Replies posted: 53
Friday, September 20th 2002 @ 01:42:09 PM PST
ye
Posted by: chrissneed	Topics started: 57	Replies posted: 868
Friday, September 20th 2002 @ 02:08:04 PM PST
mmmkay
Posted by: da pheesh	Topics started: 144	Replies posted: 5106
Saturday, September 21st 2002 @ 02:39:26 AM PST
this is a little long but it's pretty fuckin funny
Posted by: ban the ants	Topics started: 84	Replies posted: 580

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